WEEK 19: My Washing Machine
Fort this week’s project I have decided to write about my relationship with my washing machine.
Not too much more to it, that’s pretty much it.
Note: Upon writing this I realized that it is full of sexual innuendos, bad puns and comments that probably shouldn’t be there. With that said, I did no write it with such intentions, things just came out the way they did.
I wouldn’t say that the relationship I have with my washing machine is special, unique or different than most people’s relationship with their washing machine, but it is a relationship nonetheless and the story should be told.
The relationship I have with Betty, Rosanne, Victoria & Sue is one that has been going on for all most three years now. Yes, there are four of them and yes, I named them all. Now with that out of the way let me continue.
I met the Four Ladies, as I like to call them, almost three years ago. We ended up meeting not because I was seeking them out or because they were seeking me out, rather we met because of circumstance. The four of them were part of a package deal. I got locked into this deal that found me paying so much a month so I could use and abuse them as much as I like, the only catch being that I had to pay them an insignificant amount of money each time I wanted to take them for a spin. Come to think of it, over the few years I’ve been spinning them around the overhead monthly rate has gone up (thanks to The Man) and their per use rate has gone up as well, but the actual service and my general satisfaction have remained unchanged, actually it’s gone down hill.
That’s inflation for you.
But back to us meeting. The package deal I went with I chose because it just seemed like a better deal; four ladies instead of one and along with them I got four other ones that could blow hot air like I had never felt before, so needless to say it “felt” like the best deal.
In the beginning I didn’t use the Four Ladies much as I didn’t see the point of it and couldn’t afford paying a little bit additional on top of a monthly fee. Although at the time it was only $1.25 a spin I just didn’t see how the service they provided me was worth it.
I spent more of my time with the one I had for the majority of my life, probably for at least 10 years, if not longer. I just couldn’t give her up, she knew how I liked it and could get it done quick. Sure, her name was Bertha for a for a reason, as from time to time she would throw fits like something fierce, but she got the job done. Eventually though I had to leave Bertha, she was old, could no longer keep up and I needed to move on to something that could give me what I needed when I needed it. I don’t often think of Bertha but when I do I wonder if she’s sitting in a back alley somewhere, burnt out, washed out/up and fried, and hoping her last days were not those filled with pulling cheap tricks at the local bar.1
But that was then, this is now. I realized that with Bertha gone I would need to start paying for the service that I got for free for so very long, but that’s what happens in our modern economy.
So when I started seeing the Four Ladies on a regular basis our relationship was very different than it is now.
At first we would sit and talk while they were spinning away and it always seemed like I was their #1 priority. I might have not been using all of them at once, or someone else might have been taking them for a spin, but it always seemed as if I had their full attention.
I was so obsessed with them that I never felt like I should leave them, and boy, was I right.
One day when I left to attend to something else, someone, I don’t know who, but I can only assume it was that body builder down the hall from me, took my stuff out of the Four Ladies and just shoved his in. They didn’t like this too much as apparently he has far too much stuff and it just wouldn’t fit, but he shoved it in any ways.2
Boy was I pissed, when I saw how abused the Four Ladies had been, leaking all over the floor, shaking and trembling I know I had to do something.
So what did I do? I took this guy’s junk out of the Four Ladies, took a pair of scissors and snipped it up.
That was the end of that. No one ever messed with the Four Ladies and me again.
But after that incident something changed and the Four Ladies were never the same.
No longer were they quiet when they worked on my stuff and they always seemed on edge, like something had unbalanced inside of them.
They started stealing from me; both my money and my stuff and I could no longer rely on them. Things were coming out both stiff and covered with white stuff, both of which were not an issue in the beginning.
I didn’t know what to do. I no longer had no alternative place to go and I longed for the reliability and affordability that Bertha once offered. I was running out of options.
That brings us to today.
No longer do I spend time along with the Four Ladies, I just can’t do it. I’ve cut off as many ties as I could as I still need their services, I always will, I am hooked on it just like I’m hooked on the white powder stuff that the liquid stuff that everyone loves so very much,
Now I pay them, do my thing and then leave right away, no longer do I stick around for the entire cycle. I come back just in time to see and hear the Four Ladies finish and then move on.
Now our relationship is nothing more than a business transaction, one that differs greatly from what it once was, back in the beginning, built on trust, time well spent together, and most of all companionship, not our relationship is based on business and nothing more.
Our entire relationship thus far has been like a simple math equation, one with a negative slope that is headed no-where but down.3 I am sure with time I will be able to replace the Four Ladies with younger, quieter, small and more efficient/affordable models, but until then I am stuck in this spin cycle of a relationship.